Thanks to You

Mother's Day is...

Breakfast in bed

Not having to change a single diaper for two days

Spending time with loved ones

Appreciating the moments you get to spend with your family

Getting flowers

Reading cards that tug on your heartstrings

Crying

Smiling

Calling your mom

Understanding what a blessing it is to be able to be a mother

Feeling loved

Giving love

This mother's day was perfect, it consisted of all of the above and a lot of personal reflection on my part. My introduction to motherhood wasn't exactly what I had expected, but I'm thankful it happened. To think that I could have made a decision that wouldn't have made me a mother makes me cringe and nearly cry because of the things I would have missed out on. When I found out I was pregnant I seriously considered adoption, I just didn't feel ready to be a parent and I was scared out of my mind. Looking back on those days is hard because of the sad place I was in, and now I'm not sure if I ever want to tell Braelyn exactly what happened or what was going through my head because I never want her to feel unwanted; but at the same time I feel it's an important thing to discuss with her someday when she's much, much older and can somewhat understand these feelings I have felt over the past 3 years.

Dear Braelyn,
I wanted to write a little love note to you telling you exactly just how much you mean to me. At the moment you're only 21-months old, but I know that your teenage years are going to come sooner or later and if I know anything about being a teenager, you'll probably hate me in one way or another. I hope this little love note will remind you how important and special you are to me, and that no matter how angry you are at me for taking your phone away or making you change out of your skirt into pants that you'll know everything I say and do is out of love.
When I found out I was expecting you, I was scared--really scared. Mostly because that meant I would have to tell your grandparents and that was going to be a very hard conversation to have (I'm sure you can use your imagination and envision telling me you were pregnant out of wedlock) sounds fun right? Anyway, the joy I desperately wanted to feel from being pregnant was significantly diminished because of the stress I felt I was under. At the time I felt my only solution would be putting my little baby up for adoption, and that thought probably scared me more than anything. I've always wanted to be a mommy, and the thought of giving you up was something I never felt I could prepare myself for--it just didn't feel right. So after a lot of thought Dad and I decided you belonged with us, and no where else. This was the moment I made the best decision I've ever made in my entire life. Better than graduating high school, better than deciding to go to the University of Utah, and even better than meeting your Dad. When I made the decision to keep you, I made the decision to be a mother, and that has been the greatest blessing I've ever had in my short 23 years of life.
You arrived 9 days late, and just needed a little "nudge" to make you realize we were ready to meet you and were dying to hold you in our arms. The day you were born is a day I will never forget, it's the day you made me a mom. And oh how I love being a mom--especially yours. I love every moment I get to spend with you because you are such a joy to be around. I'll even go as far to say that you are the perfect child; so much so that it kinda scares me and your dad to have another because there's no way we could luck out twice ;).
This Mother's Day, I've thought a lot about what it means to be a mom, and thanks to you I feel like I'm finally understanding the important things in life.

Before you I didn't want to be a stay-at-home mom. 

Before you I didn't really care to finish school. 

Before you I didn't care to live with passion.

Before you I didn't truly value my body or myself.

Before you I didn't care to get my relationship with our Heavenly Father back, 

Before you I didn't understand how important family really is.

Before you I didn't even want stretch marks :).

  It's because of you that I have goals, because of you I want to be the best mom I can be, because of you I am more than grateful that I have the ability to be a mom.
At this moment in time, I can't imagine my life without you. You are the most special little girl that has ever come into my life, thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for making me grow up so that I deserve you, thank you for making your dad and I tie the knot, thank you for loving me even on days when I don't love myself. Thank you for your sweet spirit that makes me feel like the most important person in the world. You talk so little, yet you can say so much. You inspire me to be better, because I know you deserve the best. I am so glad that you decided you belonged with me and daddy, and that you made your entrance into this world whether we were ready or not. You knew what was best for us even before we did. You made us a family.
Today I am thankful that you came into my life and fulfilled a role that no one else will ever fill--you made me a mom. Yeah, we'll definitely be planning on your next sibling but don't think that we love you any less or that we wanted him/her any more than we wanted you. We are so thankful for you and the love that you bring into our home. I hope you keep that same sweet spirit throughout your whole life, even on the days when you don't like me so much. Everything I do is for you, and everything I don't do is for you. Never forget that. Never forget how much you are loved.

I love you forever,
Mommy