For one of my classes we are studying adolescent literature, and I've pretty much loved every book we've read for this class. A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of reading The Book Thief, which is an inspiring novel about the holocaust that uses Death as a narrator for the main characters' stories. For our assignment we had to write a story about a poignant event in our life and how death might feel about it. I couldn't think of anything better than writing about the day I had B, because it has changed so many things about me. However, the biggest thing becoming a parent has changed is my perspective on life. It is amazing how bringing life into the world makes you so much more aware of mortality and the fact that we will all die someday. I think it drives me crazy that I had the ability to create a life and grow another body inside my own, but I have absolutely no control over how that life ends. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the fear of losing her, or I just have moments when I recognize that she will grow old and then pass on, just like I will. I have to do my best to push those thoughts aside because life goes on; death is a part of us all and we will all experience it someday. I simply cannot live in fear of death. Reading this book inspired me to write a little short story for my project about becoming a parent and how that has shaped my perspective on life and even death. I thought I'd share it on here for you all to read. I'm not really sold on my title, but I think it will do for now, so enjoy :)
The Angel of Life
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Written by Death
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Created by Sheridan Byington
*For my daughter, who has changed my life in ways I still have yet to know*
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I was making my usual rounds through the hospital that morning, collecting souls that were warm and welcoming. On today's agenda was a 2-week old baby who had spent his short life in the NICU. This load was a breath of fresh air to me. I don't get many newborns. For the few moments I do get to hold them, I savor every single second. They are the most special of spirits, and are what brings me my small ray of hope in the heavy world with which I live. Carrying souls to heaven isn't exactly the easiest thing to do, especially when those souls fight me.
It's different with babies. These souls are still innocent, pure, and wise beyond their spiritual years. I hardly ever have to persuade them to come with me, they fall into my arms on their own, knowing they are returning home. The absence of their fear consumes me, they are not scared. They remember heaven all to clearly, and their ability to let go of their earthly bodies makes my load light and airy. No struggle. No fear. Just peace. It is for this reason that I love holding babies. They remind me of the beauty of my work--that I'm returning them to a much safer place. I know I'm returning them home and they do too.
As I was admiring the sleeping baby in my arms, I lost my way in the hospital and stumbled onto the labor and delivery floor. Caution stopped me for a moment, and I almost turned around when I felt an unfamiliar pull of life. It lead me into a room where a woman was preparing to bring another life into the world. I felt the baby's presence in the room, although she was still in her mother's womb--still safe, still pure. I almost took that baby with the one already in my arms, wanting to protect her from all she would lose in life. But I knew it was not time for anyone in that room and I had to resist. "Just stick to the plan," I said to myself.
Despite my attempt to leave, I felt the inspiration to stay. Something was pulling me in. Perhaps it was because I had never known what it was like to bring life into the world, only out of it. All I had ever known was death. It was my name. It was my job. I'd grown accustomed to the weight of dead souls, but I had never experienced the lightness of new ones. Not until today. So I stayed.
As I watched the woman working hard to inhale and exhale, I felt her anxiety dissipate as her new baby was placed on her chest, and I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. I saw tears of joy stream down her face as she stared into the eyes of this perfect, pure, and innocent human being that she had brought into the world. "Thank you" she said, looking up towards heaven. The baby wailed and the mother softly kissed her new baby's cheek, whispering sweet words into her ear, like only a mother can.
Motherhood suited her, and I could tell she had been waiting for this moment for far too long. I can only imagine the love she felt for her daughter during the first few moments of meeting her. I might be Death, but I can still fell emotions. Most of the time I feel what those around me feel, and am usually always consumed with anger, hurt, loneliness, fear--all feelings that are not pleasant to know. However, today I felt things I had never noticed before--love, pride, peace, comfort, and above all else I felt joy.
I looked down at the tiny soul in my arms. who was still in a deep slumber as they always are before they reach heaven, and I felt sad. For the first time in my career of carrying souls to heaven, I felt that this baby had been cheated of life. I wanted to feel happy that the baby was going to a better place, but I couldn't. Not after I felt and experienced every emotion in that room. The joy began to haunt me. I couldn't turn away. I longed to feel happiness, I didn't want to watch tears fall from people's faces for the loved ones they were letting go. I wanted to watch people cry tears of joy for the celebration of life and love.
I felt the familiar pull of souls calling my name, needing me to carry them away. Except I didn't want to go this time, instead I wanted to be the angel of life. Carrying new souls into the arms of loving, anxious mothers, waiting with patient smiles and welcoming hearts--ready to show their child the world.
I knew my desires were only dreams and it took everything I had to pull myself away and remind myself of all the wicked in the world waiting for new life to sink its teeth into. I looked at the sleeping baby in my arms once more as I hand him over to his Heavenly Father. As I looked up into his eyes I see he is anxious to hold this child again, and he is waiting with the same patient, loving smile I saw on the face of the new mother just moments ago.
"Thank you," he says as the child wakes in his arms. "Thank you, my son" he tells me again, putting his gentle hand on my heavy shoulder, somehow telling me he understands. And I felt lighter.
As I left to collect more waiting souls, I realized that I am that angel of life, just not the worldly kind. Finally, I felt peace. And this time it wasn't because of someone else. This peace was all my own.
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I am so thankful Heavenly Father has trusted me with the life of this little girl, and that I've already had two whole years with her. I promise I'm doing my best to love her with all I have.
What a life-affirming piece you have written. I'll smile every time I think of it this week. xo! Mom/Grandma Bina
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