It's Times Like These...

Ever since I became a parent, death has become more apparent to me. Before Braelyn, the thought of something bad happening to me or my family never really crossed my mind - that is until something bad actually happened. Now though, I find myself thinking about stuff like that all the time. Sometimes at night, I lay in bed and just think to myself and the man upstairs "God I am so happy, please keep my family safe. Please let us live to see Braelyn get married and have kids of her own." If I'm thinking about the future or even making plans for the coming weekend I find myself thinking "If we're even around or okay next weekend". I know it's morbid, but honestly I am just so scared of something bad happening to us, I can't help it. There are just more and more crazy, scary stories in the news; plus all of the movies that have crazy plots that freak me out. I have become a bit of a baby when it comes to movies. Nowadays I only feel like watching happy, funny, loving movies that bring a smile to my face and a warmth to my heart. If it's something freaky, than I have trouble sleeping. I'm a baby and I'm well aware of it ;).

Well last Tuesday, one of my worst nightmares came true-something bad happened.

I woke up and got ready as if it were any other day (which is usually how it begins-just like any other day). I went to get Braelyn out of her crib to find her feeling a little warmer than usual. I took her temperature and it was only 99.6. "Just a small fever" I thought to myself. I inspected my 10 1/2 month old daughter and noticed nothing was wrong or out of the ordinary; no cough, stuffy or runny nose, no diarrhea, she ate breakfast like usual...she seemed just fine to me. "Weird" I thought, I figured it had to be a teething fever since it was so low and I know she had a couple teeth on the top coming in. I gave her a dose of children's Tylenol and went on with my day. When I was ready to leave for work I checked her temp, which was 99.4, and gave her another dose of Tylenol. I informed our sitter that Braelyn had a little fever, but seemed to be fine and didn't seem sick at all. "It must just be a teething fever" I reassured myself and told her. I gave her a kiss and went to work.

When Mike got home, 2 hours later, he picked her up and brought her home. I always talk to him on my break which is usually when he gets home and settled down. He had already put her down for her afternoon nap and she was sound asleep. I asked him to take her temp even though she was already sleeping. I was shocked when he said it was 102, and now I was starting to worry. He woke her up long enough to give her another dose of Tylenol and she went back to sleep shortly after.

If it weren't for the last time she had a temperature that high, I would have been more worried. Every time she gets her immunizations she gets a fever. Last time, at her 6 month check-up, she got a fever that got around 103. I called our physician's office around 11pm and spoke to an on-call doctor. She said if it gets over 103, then they start to worry, but all we could do for now was to give her Tylenol and Motrin and wait for it to pass; which it did. So now hearing that she had a fever of 102, I figured it would go down soon too. "It's probably just at its peak" I thought. Since she had absolutely no other symptoms, I still blamed it on her teeth.

I came home from work an hour early because...
A. I was starting to get pretty worried about my sick little baby and
B. I told Mike's sister, Rochelle, that I would do her nails.

When I got home around 7:30pm, Rochelle was already there and Braelyn was just waking up from her nap. I picked her up and noticed how hot she was without even touching her forehead. Her whole body was on fire. "This isn't good".

I remembered what the Doctor said last time, that we could alternate Ibuprofen (Motrin) and Tylenol every 3 hours. Since all we had given her that day was Tylenol, I suggested Mike go and get some Ibuprofen from the store. On his way out he ran into our amazing upstairs neighbor, Mindy. He told her about Braelyn's high fever, in return she gave him an eyebrow raise and an "oh my gosh". Immediately she came knocking on my door, asking me how Braelyn is doing and if there was anything she could do to help. Then she asked me how I took the temperature.

"Just by the ear" I replied.

"Oh you need to do it rectally, it's the most accurate" she answered back. I was a little scared and unsure about sticking a thermometer up my poor baby's bum, but Mindy offered to do it. "It's really not that bad, they barely even notice" she assured me. So I gave her the thermometer and set baby B on a blanket on the floor. Mindy looked like a pro and made it seem like it really was no big deal. Braelyn flinched a little and then she was over it. I watched the numbers on the thermometer climb...99, 100, 101, 102, 103, 104.1, 104.3, and finally stopping at 104.5.

"Oh my gosh" I said, starting to get a little freaked out.

"Well, I hear if you take the temperature rectally you take a degree off and that's accurate. So it's 103.5" she informed me.

"That's really high, we should take her in" I decided, except Mike was still gone. I decided to wait until he got home, since it shouldn't be longer than 5 or 10 minutes and then we could decide where we wanted to take Braelyn; whether it was the ER or an Instacare. In the meantime I figured we may as well get a start on Rochelle's nails. We sat down at my desk and I began to drill her nails, still holding Braelyn I decided to hand her to Rochelle as I was having a hard time holding my baby and doing her nails. Braelyn didn't seem like herself, she was quiet and looked exhausted. If anyone spends a little time with her, they know she is very talkative and alive, but not now. I felt something was wrong.

Then all of a sudden, her head went back, her arms went up and she was shaking uncontrollably with the scariest look on her face.

"Oh my gosh, I think she's having a seizure!" Rochelle exclaimed.

I became frantic, immediately. My mind was racing, "what do I do, what do I do".

"Call 911!" she said as she laid Braelyn down on her side. Rochelle had seen her mom have seizure's so luckily she was somewhat calm and knew what to do. I on the other hand, couldn't keep my head straight. Gracie, my youngest sister, had seizures until she was 4 or 5, but I never remember being this scared.

I ran around the house trying to find my phone, but I couldn't remember where I put it. "I can't find my phone!" I yelled looking at my baby shaking.

I grabbed Rochelle's cell phone and dialed 911, but I didn't hear any ringing. My heart was racing, I was scared out of my mind. "Why isn't it ringing!" I yelled again.

"Go grab the lady upstairs" Rochelle suggested. I remembered Mindy telling me she has seizure's and immediately opened the door and ran up the stairs, knocking frantically at my neighbor's door. I was still on the phone, waiting to hear someone come to the rescue. Her husband answered the door slowly (he must have been startled by my knock). As soon as I could see his face I just blurted out "Braelyn is having a seizure and I don't know what to do" then the tears came. Saying it out loud made it very real to me. Mindy came bursting out the door, "call 911!" she yelled. I ran down the stairs in 2 seconds, with her close behind me.

"911 emergency response, what's your emergency" I heard in the phone. FINALLY! The call finally went through.

"My daughter is having a seizure! Please help!" I cried into the phone. At this point I was too frazzled to even stand next to Braelyn, I looked across the room to see Mindy and Rochelle sitting next to her, rubbing her back and talking to her.

"What's the location and address of the emergency" the dispatcher responded. I snapped back into the conversation.

"1234 south 5678 east" I replied.

"Can you please repeat that" she said.

So I said it again "1234 south 5678 east" a little more frantic this time.

"I'm sorry can you confirm the address" she asked again.

This time I yelled into the phone "1234 SOUTH 5678 EAST!!!!" I was crying uncontrollably, pushing my hair out of my face and walking around my living room, unable to sit still. Then I saw Mike walk through the door (which was wide open). The look on his face was confused and terrified at the same time. He saw Braelyn on the ground with 2 people sitting next to her and then me crying hysterically walking all around the room. I can only imagine what was going through his head.

"What's going on" he said aloud.

Mindy told him "Braelyn is having a seizure, go make sure you're wife is okay on the phone with 911". Somehow he heard "call 911" so he called as well. I heard him speaking to someone telling them his address and what was going on.

"I'm on the phone with 911 already" I told him.

"Okay, paramedics are on their way, take a breath, everything is going to be okay" she assured me. "Now I'm going to ask you a series of questions, please try to remember what I'm saying as you may need the information later on". I tried to turn my brain on, I sat down next to Braelyn, who was now twitching. I touched her head "Braelyn, mommy's here, you're going to be okay".

"Good, keep talking to her" the dispatcher said. She continued to ask me if Braelyn was breathing, if she had fallen from somewhere when she started seizing, if she had hit her head, I couldn't remember anything else. She told me she would stay on the phone until paramedics arrived on the scene, and then she was quiet, leaving me alone with my thoughts. As I was sitting next to Braelyn, her little life flashed before my eyes. Suddenly she stopped moving. What if she dies? I thought. What if something is wrong with her now? What if she goes blind or deaf or is brain damaged? I continued on with the worst. Tears streaming down my face, I looked up to see Mindy crying as well. Then I felt Mike's hand graze the back of my waist and rub my back. Immediately I felt comforted, I'm not alone. Mindy offered to get her husband to give B a blessing, Mike and I both thought it was a good idea. Then Braelyn started to come out of it, she began to whimper and whine and try to move around. The dispatcher told me not to let her get up "say her name, reassure her that you're there, that everything's okay". Immediately I touched her, said her name, told her everything is okay. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I heard sirens and then 6 paramedics and a police officer walked through my door. Relief flushed right through me. Help had finally arrived.

Paramedics told me to pick her up and sit on the couch. They began to ask me what happened as they checked her heartbeat, hooked her up to some sort of machine, and gave her an oxygen mask. Slowly, she started to wake up. She began to shiver and whimper, looking up at me. My heart was broken. My poor baby, who I put all of my energy-my whole life-into keeping safe and now there was nothing I could do to help her. I wanted to take her pain away, to see her smile again and recognize my voice when I said her name, but she seemed to look right through me.

Why are we still standing here, why aren't we going anywhere? I thought to myself. "Is she going to have another seizure" I asked out loud, still looking at Braelyn in my arms.

"She might" the paramedic replied. Tears started falling again, I don't know if I could watch that happen once more. I hate seeing Braelyn in any pain, especially when I can't do anything to help.

"What hospital would you like to go to" he asked me. I looked up and looked to Mike, he suggested IMC on 54th. The paramedic, whose name was Owen (weird right?), suggested we go to Primary Children's and we both thought that was the right place to be. "Alright well, Mom" he said looking at me "Let's have you ride in the ambulance with her". I wanted Mike to come with us, but knew we would need a car to get back home.

The ride in the ambulance calmed me down a little bit. Braelyn started to talk, just not in her usual way. She was sticking her tongue out and chomping on it while making noises. There was just one problem, she still didn't respond to me saying her name. The paramedic noticed me worry when I kept saying "Braelyn, Braelyn" and kept moving my head to try to make her look at me. He told me since she was following his movements she was okay. "She's just a little out of it" he assured me.

We arrived at Primary Children's and Mike came into the room almost right after I got there. We were both worried and scared for little Braelyn. The doctor's ran some tests, which included a Urine culture. Braelyn had to be catheterized for a minute or two, which made me start to cry all over again. They checked for ear infections, but found nothing. Then the doctor told me it was most likely just a virus that caused the fever. Naturally, Mike and I both had a lot of questions about what had just happened.

Braelyn had a febrile seizure, it's the way a young child's body reacts when their temperature rises rapidly. In the ambulance, the paramedics told me it's not how high the temperature is, but how quickly it gets there. Braelyn's fever went from a little 99.6 to a big 104.5 in a few short hours. He also told me if I take the temperature rectally, to just go off of that as that is as close to the core as you can get. They told us that febrile seizures are very common and usually wear off once the child hits four or five. They told us that once a baby has one, they are more likely to have more when their temperature spikes quickly. They assured us that nothing was wrong with Braelyn, she suffered no brain damage, "she is not any less intelligent", etc. They told us it usually runs in families. Well my two siblings, Brody and Grace both had them as infants. I guess Brody had one or two, but Gracie had at least a dozen which I remember very well. They happened on camping trips and even in church. When I realized that, I thought I couldn't handle watching Braelyn go through that again.

"What do we do if she was to have another one" I asked. The doctor said to make her comfortable and let her have it. He said not to try to stop it or wake her up, just to let it pass. If it get's long, like 4 or 5 minutes to call 911. A few hours later, after Braelyn's heart-rate got back to normal and they did everything they could do, they sent us home.

Needless to say, Braelyn slept with us that night. Mike and I both couldn't sleep, even at 1am. The image of Braelyn's face and her shaking, trembling body kept flashing into my head. I couldn't get it out. Even now, I think about it and it makes me want to cry. I have never been so scared in my entire life. At times I wish I had been the one who was holding her when it happened, maybe it would have made me a little less frantic as I wouldn't have had the time to think about what could happen. I just would have had to think about what was happening now, and what I needed to do to make it better. But on the phone with 911, listening to them ask me questions like if she was even breathing made my mind wander and think of the worst.

Braelyn is fine now. The fever lasted 4 days, but it never got over 102 again. Mike and I both stayed home from work the next day, we took her to her primary physician to try to figure out if she was sick at all, but he agreed that it was probably just a virus. On Thursday and Friday Braelyn got diarrhea, but she was completely back to normal by Saturday-no fever or diarrhea thank goodness.

Being a parent, I realize that someone else's life is in my hands. Braelyn is my responsibility to protect and keep safe. I realize that bad things can happen, and I'm sure as she grows and starts to become more and more independent a lot of the things that could happen will probably be self inflicted. All I can do is love her and be here for her to catch her when she falls and pick her back up. I love her more than anything in this world, I truly am so blessed to have a beautiful daughter and a husband who would die for the both of us. I know life can end in a second, it is so fragile. I want to love and cherish every single second I have with the people I love. After all, you never know when they'll be gone. I love my little family. It's times like these that make us stronger and realize what is truly important in life. F A M I L Y.