On my mind lately...

It's great when my Mom and sister get to visit us. I always miss them when they're not here and I hate that they live so far away. Having them visit is a blessing and a challenge all at once. The only part that is challenging is having to divide our time constantly, between parents. Only because it would be so much easier if we could all just be together. One big, happy family. I'd just like to say that divorce sucks. Period. End of story.

Okay I lied, there's more. When my parents are in the same state and I'm forced to divide my time with each of them I often wonder what my life would be like if my parents hadn't gotten a divorce. Would I have lived in the same house my entire childhood? Would I have been more self-confident? Would I have chosen different friends? Would my siblings and I be closer? Would we be more of a family? To all of these questions I would have to say my answer would be "yes". As I pay more attention in growing and expanding my own little family I try to think of things I want my children to have that I never really thought I did (which is something I'm sure every parent asks themselves at some point or another). What comes to mind is a home they can grow up in until they're in college, a mom at home, and parents who display love and affection towards each other even in times of adversity. All I want for my children is stability, love, safety, and a strong family connection. These are all things that I believe to have a strong impact on my children's happiness and success in life; they are all things that I will strive to give them, everyday of my life.

Saying this, in no way, shape, or form should take away from the amazing job that my parents have done in raising me. I love them both with all my heart and it has taken me years to understand how much I really do love and appreciate everything they do for me in their own ways. I am so proud of my mom for accepting challenges and beating the odds, for pursuing a master's degree and living with passion. I am so proud of my dad for sticking around, for staying consistent in my life--every Tuesday and every other weekend. They both have showed me they love me, through their sacrifices and accomplishments. It took anger and hurt in my teenage years, to understand what I know now--that my parents do everything out of their love for me. Isn't this such a special concept? That your parents have the ability to sacrifice for you? Can't you feel the love? Tell your parents how much you love and appreciate them more, I'm sure they never tire of hearing it.

Anyway, back to my point. I often wonder if my parents hadn't gotten a divorce, if I would still be where I am now. Well to this question I would have to say "no", simply because my parents divorce put me on a certain path, or would it be better to say it led me to make certain decisions in my life. In the end that path and those decisions eventually led me to my husband and my daughter. I honestly don't think that I would have ever met Mike or had Braelyn, let alone even be the same person I am today if my parents hadn't divorced; if my mom hadn't moved to California; if I hadn't been angry enough to move back; and if I hadn't been stupid enough to live on my own lol. I have learned from all of these lessons plus many others I won't even mention. Whether I would make the same decisions now that I know what I know, I'm not so sure of; and that's okay. I know God has his reasons, I know my parents have theirs, and I know I have mine; we all make decisions we think are right at the moment and it's okay to look back and wonder if you would have been different or made a different decision, but it's not okay to dwell on the past. It's the past and it should stay there, live in the present and look towards the future, but mostly live in the present.

I'm just grateful that at the end of the day, at the end of my wondering, I can say I've met and married a man who I know I'll never have to divorce. Who I get along with better than anyone I know. Who I never have to argue, fight, or be unhappy with. He's my best friend and he's mine forever. Then together we get to create (what I believe will be) an amazing family with the same ideas that we both value and want for our children and for each other. I am so thankful for them. For who they make me want to be, and for who they are, but mostly for who we are together. I used to think that divorce destroys families. Now I just think that they complicate them and that there really are ways to find peace in a messy childhood.